Friday, October 5, 2012

Alligator Head

We've been looking for an Alligator to round out the Frankie's Apartment "Neighborhood News" Team.  A lot of alligators applied (I think there are more cons to Craig's List than pros), but none of them were right for the job.  Some were too small, some too ferocious, some seemed to have drug problems.  Still others just didn't have a nose for news.  Very few that applied actually had any training in journalism or TV.  Most had no education at all.  So Jeff Roberts has started making an Alligator that can hopefully handle the intense position.

Fashioned from cardboard and duct-tape.  There are electronics involved to make the mouth move.


1. Must be able to talk.
2. Must be an alligator.
3. Must be able to hold a microphone.
4. Must be fearless and be able to ask the hard questions.  And the other questions too.  Actually just remembering 40% of the questions is what we require.    
5. Must know photoshop.
6. Must have at least two years experience working in a restaurant kitchen.
7. Must know their way around a car engine.
8. Must be independently wealthy.
9. Must be generous with their money.
10. Must have a "zen approach" to current events.  This means we only read "vintage' periodicals around here.  Or - we make stories up.  We just find that if you take the "current" out of "current events" everything gets a little more time-travelish and Planet-of-the-Apes-like.  I always say that the best newspaper is the one AFTER some kind of kidnapper has written one of those ransom notes where they cut out every letter for the note from a different article or headline so no one knows their hand-writing.  
11. Must be able to be competitive when playing charades.  Actually we only play "pencil charades" around here.  That's when you use a pencil as a prop and pretend that the pencil is something that it's not.  We guess what the pencil is.  It's not all about you. Sometimes we use a cotton ball as a prop.  Sometimes a banana.
12. Must have a funny quirk that we can make fun of.  
13. No eating any people or rats.  Ghosts are OK to eat.
14. Must be willing to sacrifice enough of the skin off their back for a nice alligator-skin laptop case.  I've been in the market for one of those for quite some time.

Interior view.  There are the motors that make the mouth move.

DETAIL: One of the mouth motors.

Web-shooter-like hand trigger and battery bracelet.  To make the alligator talk, Jeff presses the red button.
He presses the red button for every single syllable.

This is the view-box, where Jeff would see from.
In recent months, Jeff Roberts has become obsessed with Duct Tape. This Alligator Head isn't the only
thing that's gotten the duct-tape treatment.  Jeff redid his whole apartment in duct tape.
His dining room table, a set of plates, his favorite blanket.  We all knew he really had a problem
when he duct-taped his wife to their couch one night, before a dinner party they were hosting.
I wasn't quite as shocked as my wife was to see her there on the couch, sipping a cocktail from a straw,
unable to move, sort of struggling. It was the cocktail that shocked me.  Jeff made an artisanal batch of
DUCT TAPE PUREE, which he mixed with some A-1 Sauce and a shot of Dayquil.
He added a duct-tape garnish that he'd smoked using a burning rubber-band.
The first sip was interesting, but A-1 Sauce in a cocktail?  Please.