Anyone who hasn't caught one of Mr. Parfenix's Carpet Max commercials on late night Z-CAT
programming is one lucky son of a bitch.
Crazy Eddie was like Mother Teresa compared to this guy. Not only does he threaten to destroy you if you don't buy one of these carpets, he threatens your family, your mental health, and your automobile. He brings the pain two times. Once with lots of swear-words and growling, and twice with all the flubs and bloopers that he makes.
One whole commercial is dedicated to the only torture worse than Chinese water torture -- Pigeon Breath Super Bacon Torture.
Mr. Parfenix loves using his 2% notoriety from being on Frankie's Apartment to do all sorts of side gigs. He signs autographs for customers at the local dementia center. They let him DJ at the local bird nightclub, PERCH, for 18 bucks a set. He does birthday party appearances where his magic trick is to lay already painted Easter Eggs. I really don't want to tell you how he does it.
Also, Mr. P wanted me to "hep you cats" to the fact that he's been making miniature furniture out of bacon. "Gorgeous rustic looking tables made out of repurposed bacon."
MUST BUY CARPET NOW!
ReplyDeleteMUST BUY CARPET NOW!
MUST BUY CARPET NOW!
(I'm hypnotized by Mr. P's performance)
MUST BUY CARPET NOW!
By the way, I hope he gives a cut of his Carpet Max $ to his nose. He'd be nowhere without that nose.
The best shit is that people call Mr. P "Carpet Max" on the street sometimes. The other day some kid told his mom to to take a picture of him with Carpet. Then I was like, "Carpet is a really good name for you." Mr. P was stuck - he didn't know if I was dissing him or patting him on the back.
DeleteAnyway, all that Carpet Max cash and the actual carpet Mr. P has in his house is from 1972. It's so beyond filthy that at first sight you think it must be some kind of avante-guarde "mucous design".
Mr. P, who likes to do things on a schedule, baseball style, checked his "life ledger" and said that the carpet is pencilled in as needing to be replaced in the year 2145.
If I had to buy some carpet, Parfenix would be the guy to go to!
ReplyDelete