Friday, November 30, 2012

The Great War of The Left Breast Embroidery Mascots

NEW CHAMPION: Big Butt Hairspray Lady with Guatemalan Flag and Guatemalan Umbrella Hat In
High Heel Boots Sort Of Starting to Bend Down. There's a lot going on here for a simple
Left-Breast Embroidery Mascot.  I peeped this gem in a Discount Health and Beauty Aids Spot
near the Pomonok Projects on a classic 3-button polo shirt that looked like it might unravel if you flexed
your muscles, your tummy, or if you have big boobs that bounce too much.  I like the white threads that
show the waves in her hairstyle.  She also has a rather slim waist (for someone with such a nice, uh --
I mean -- big -- butt. This is something you ladies (and men) should not
shoot for or obsess over but is impressive nevertheless.


Former champion. The Lacoste Alligator is the ultimate classic and the pioneer of left-breast mascots.
He sealed their place in sportswear and casual-wear.  Born out of the game of tennis, he simply could not
be beat (until now), maybe because he just really seems like he belongs on the left-breast.  
The biggest jerk of the bunch is the Polo idiot on his dumb horse, forever swinging that dumb polo
shovel over his head.  My dad schooled me in Polo.  You jump off your horse when no one's looking and
try to dig a big horse tunnel that leads to the other side of the finish line.  If you have enough cool
Halloween types on your team, you get them to make one of those horse-costumes where one guy is
the head and the other is the butt.  They pretend to be your horse while you dig, all the while
avoiding the polo-wizard that has the power to change your horse into a carousel-animal.  If you
lose, that means your horse becomes McDonald's Quarter Pounders.  If you win you get one of these
ugly shirts.
Le Tigre made a hard bid in the 70s and 80s to knock the LaCoste Alligator off the throne.  He swore he was
sleeker and tougher and more new wave -- but this tiger and his shirts were way cheaper than proper
LaCoste.  That being said, I love this one.

The Munsingwear Penguin, pictured here in a rarely stitched "filled-in" style.  Usually he was seen as a
one-color outline.  I always secretly pulled for the Penguin to rise up from the ashes and show
everybody what time it was, but a bunch of guys who wear fedoras rebooted him in the aughts and
made him seem lamer and uglier and more geriatric than his thrift store brethren from the 70s
that smell like moth-balls and all have way-too-big banana collars.

From the world of surfing: the Hang Ten feet.  Always liked it.  Always made sense.  Seen on some
of the most intricately striped shirts ever produced.  Still, a pair of dippy barney howlie footprints
in the sand is far too passive and dippy to take down an Alligator.

The Brooks Brother lamb is tied up and hanging from something and sucks.

Arnold Palmer, golfer, the man who's beverage is still rocking the world, now on Arizona cans, had a
line of golf junk that bore the mark of this umbrella.  It's dope, but ridiculous.

The Fila "F" is a design gem, also out of the world of tennis.  Fila would go on to become a terrible line
of guido/homeboy sneakers and get mistaken for Fubu.  I like the little square, but I almost feel like
it doesn't really have a place verse the other Left-Breasters.  I put Fila here as the most powerful
representative of Nike, Adidas, Puma, and the rest of the sneaker mascots and symbols.  They need to
fight their own battles.