Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Gimace's SAT Guide

The first step in Grimace's Guide To the SATs is similar to the spiel he gives kids
when he pulls out his glock and robs them for their Jordans (and Sour Patch Watermelons).
Grimace doesn't like to talk about his side business as a tutor, not because the suits at
McDonny's HQ would get mad, but because he doesn't really consider himself a tutor.
"I'm more of a Blob," says Grimace.
Originally Grimace's SAT-Prep book was going to be called:
"Grimace's Guide to Sitting On The SATs" but his publisher didn't think it'd sell.
The inside of the book is indeed a guide to sitting on the test, but a lot of
ambitious high-schoolers still buy it because of the celebrity quotes on the back of the book.
These powerful referrals are staggeringly dated and not really referrals - they're all just weird
quotes about times each celeb had occasion to party with Grimace.  In fact, the quotes take
up the entire second half of the book.
  Grimace called in big favors from his old (and some of them dead) friends --
Ron Reagan (Junior), Dolly Parton, Gallagher's Brother (who used to perform as
"Gallagher Too" until Gallagher One sued him) and Snagglepuss (who wrote more of a love letter.
Not to mention:
Morton Downey Jr., Ed Begley Jr., Fred Savage and Danica McKellar.  The goofball uncle from
Full House and the lady from that show that wound up marrying Stamos.
Tilda Swinton (!?), Frank Perdue, and the guy who played Odo on Deep Space Nine.
Emo Philips.  Alyssa Milano.  Orel Hershiser.  The kid who played Ben on Growing Pains.
Tony Lo Bianco.  Blondie.  Orson Welles. Vanna White.  Brad Renfro.
Janeane Garofalo.  Krist Novoselic.  Andy Richter.  Tara Reid, Jonathan Demme, Charles Bronson,
Naomi Campbell, almost all the actors from Oz, the HBO jail show,
as well as the whole cast of the 2nd season of the Real World.
And LL Cool J.