Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Bill The Snowman: Family Photos

Bill is the snowman that lives in my fridge.  He's also my psychoanalyst.
Bill "hails" from a long line of sleet, snow-people, and ice-pops.


This here is his grandpa Jean Baxtér.  Bax was a reefer-smoking beatnik and a fake 50's Frenchy.  His real
name was Gene Greenmold but his friends called him Bax because his back had a tendency to melt.
So he was always having his back repacked.  So his snow-pals were like, How many backs are you gonna
go through?  The reason his back was always melting was because he laid killer, marshmallow-roasting farts.

Bax started the family profession by talking to the
local kids about their problems.  A lot of stuff
about not wanting to do chores and how
Howdy Doody secretly scared the hell out of them.
He told jokes and and did yo-yo tricks.
But Bax's funny cigarettes were the thing that really kept him in business, though.  All the teenagers
pretended to come to him for counciling but they all just wanted to score.  If it wasn't for the reefer, Bax
would have been a total failure as a beatnik.  He knew more about Tintin than he did Sartre.  
And if it wasn't for this guy, Gary Peterson, who went on to be Bax's greatest "patient", Grandpa Bax would
never have been able to put a down payment on the refrigerator that I somehow own from the outside,
but Bill owns from the inside.


Bill's uncle Cory.  Cory took great pride in his Fedora, which he stole from a door-to-door salesman
who worked for the Electrolux Vacuum Cleaner Corporation.

Cory was trouble.  He ran around with this kid,
who would later be known as the infamous
gangster Mikey Sausages.  
Even as far back as this picture goes, they were always on the make.  Later, when someone needed a welcher
disappeared, they'd go to Cory and Mr. Sausages, who had no qualms with freezing said welcher to death.


Bill's Dad, Brian Greenmold. A great man of snow. Proved than snowmen can be as good a psychiatrist
as any other fake psychiatrist. Advised all kinds of professionals and lunatics.  John Lennon
heard tell of Brian's advising skills and sought him out for a 3 week session in the fridge that
resulted in the Imagine record and a super-nasty case of the frostbite for John.

Brian is pictured here with Lorraine Hodge, his greatest success.  Lorraine didn't think so, but Brian
was able to convince her that she was actually a Triangle.  Brian knew he was dealing with a nutjob the
minute she stepped in the freezer - he knew a Triangle when he saw one.  "But I'm a little girl!" - Lorraine
would cry. Dr. Brian would ask, "Do you want to be happy? Don't you want to marry a nice Triangle and have
little Triangle babies? You must accept yourself as you are!" Brain ran a series of mental tests that only made
him more sure that she was a Triangle, most of them based on the shape of her hood.

Lorraine did grow up to marry a Triangle.
A very nice Slice of Pizza that she met in a small
Italian Take-Out in Bensonhurst.  When she looked
into his eyes (two pieces of pepperoni) she
knew in her heart that 1. she was in love, and
2. that Dr. Brian was right, she was a

Bill's mom, Gertrude Drifty.  Gertrude was a woman who loved sport.  Icicle Archery, Ice-fishing, Snowball-
Fighting. She won an Olympic Gold Medal in an Ice Cream Eating Contest.  She liked to stay trim, but
the dark truth was that she would go out to melt too much.  You'd catch her in May, leaving the fridge.
It's like Snow-person Bulimia.  Meltorexia.  She also ran a small psychotherapy practice out of the
fridge, but she only took on patients with serious mental disorders.

Like this guy, Stan.  He swore that his mitten was
an evil demon named Chris.  It was Chris
that killed all the squirrels and his baby
brother Randy.  It was Chris that cooked
the family dog and served it in
sandwiches to his Sunday School class.
In addition to a successful career in the psychiatric arts, Gertrude's patented Pot-Lid Berets became a fashion
staple for Snow-men and Snow-ladies alike.  In fact, that's why Bill's so lazy -- he's still got duckets
stashed away from his Mom's cash cow.  The lids are still big sellers in Middle America.

Eventually, Gertrude convinced Stan to cut off the hand on which the mitten resided.  The mitten (Chris)
escaped and has been said to have caused many a calamity in the third world, middle earth,
and the land down under.