Thursday, January 31, 2013

Mr. Parfenix's BACON recipe (sort of)

The absolute NUMBER ONE thing about Mister Parfenix is that he's crazy.  I asked him to send me his bacon recipe yesterday, requesting that he please send me the recipe using "bullet points".  The last recipe he sent Rubbish came in a strange block of letters with no spaces and no punctuation.  Birds are like that -- they peck at the keys like they're fighting for street morsels.

Anyhow, Mr. Bacon, I mean Mr. Parfenix, delivered.  If anybody makes this bacon block, please let us know, we actually have some pretty excellent doctor's phone numbers in our rolodex.

Mr. Parfenix makes his bacon while at regular, human size.  Then he shrinks down to pigeon size to
fully enjoy his Bacon "Strippers" as he calls them.  You really don't want to disturb him
when he's in the middle of one of these Bacon bashes.

1. A "push-back" is basically how Travolta wore his hair in Saturday Night Fever.
2. Cassoulet is a French dish: Duck and beans.  Some bird this guy is.
3. A saw-buck is ten dollars.  It's more of a Chicago term, but if Mr. P wants to roll like that...

Dear Mr. Parfenix: Did you use Kraft caramel cubes?

You would smoke it.  Mr. Parfenix smokes a lot of things.
Right, Rubbish??

Mr. Parfenix actually thinks he's CUTE using the completely legitimate, although extremely cornball and EXCESSIVELY ARCHAIC Charles Dickens style term, "faggots" --
for the sad little bundles of wood he gathers from the tree shakings all across the Sixth Borough.  

In addition to having CORN syrup running through his ventricles instead of blood, Mr. Parfenix is so OLD his best friend in school was the DINOSAUR that used to sit next to him in the DUNCE CORNER.  That's why he uses such OLD terminology.  

That, and the BLACK PLAGUE ate away half his brain. 

Not to mention the memory loss from the injury he suffered during the Revolutionary War.
He swore he was just wearing a red coat because it was all they had left at the general store but George Washington had to shoot him in the head with his musket just to be sure he wasn't with the bad guys.   

Mr. Parfenix can be nice sometimes too.  Sometimes.