The Fitting Room at "Nothing Fits"

I do most of my clothes shopping here at Nothing Fits. I love this place. They really know how I feel. The specially trained staff know how to look at your love handles and give you a pair of khakis that totally accentuates them. They are so much more cracked out than a VIM or an OMG that I will be faithful till the day they close. There used to be the silhouette of a new wave lady next to the sign but someone shot her off one day because he was so upset by stuff the cashier said to him.

They are true to their name. They have absolutely nothing that fits you and they hate you and they laugh at you when you come out of their specially made Fitting Rooms, which have no mirrors in them, so you have to come out and look at yourself in the three-way community mirror. By then, they usually have gathered more staff to make comments and drop innuendo.

Yeah right - they don't know what innuendo is! They tell you to your face that you're fat. Or they say things like, "I've never seen those pants look so crazy on someone." Or, "That shirt sticks to your body funny."

This was the only thing I got from them the other day. Size: Irregular. The left arm is at least 5 inches longer than the right. I promise you. But I got it because Ernie Sweatshirt is just so damn close to Earl Sweatshirt that it MUST mean something.

Moby Dick, the Quarter Ride

If only Ahab just went and kicked it on 5th Avenue and 86th Street in Bay Ridge, Brooklyn
that book coulda been a lot shorter. He could have rode this guy for quarter and ran over to
Spumoni Gardens for a slice of the best Sicilian Pizza in NYC. It was probably the Cliff Notes people that threw him off course.

Beware of Doghouse

I know for a fact that this doghouse has been condemned since Giuliani was in office. I'm so glad it's still there I almost went and peed on that plastic hydrant (I hadta pee in my pants instead). I thought about stealing the hydrant as I took this picture, but I didn't want the dog to come out of the flap and yell at me.

The doggy door-flap is a picture of Venice

King Penny

Some call it the original dollar store. Others never refer to it by name due to the fact that the owner is a cranker asshole. King Penny on Ditmars Blvd. is possibly the saddest place in the whole entire world. When they redid the exterior in the 80s they went big on the sign, which never sat right with me, because they didn't redo the interior, they rarely update the stock, and they get really tight if you browse. Why not just close? I hope they never do. I love going in there and making the guy squirm. They have a nice stock of old signs and sticky-letters to mark your house.

Besides that, it's almost all Trisonic.

Sea Shells $1.29

At King Penny on Ditmars Blvd. in Astoria Queens

Top Notch McDonald's Graf by Tats Cru

McNuggets

Ron

Our Prices Will Blow You Out

Gas Station Convenience Store: Boston Rd, The Bronx

Dumb Baby Loses Phone

They haven't even called it yet to try to get it back.

Jesus Upskirt

Riverdale

Statues Don't Usually Got On Heels

Ella's heels in front of the Metro North Station in Yonkers, NY

Ella Fitzgerald

Cool Guy Tag

In the Elevator to Zeller's Tuxedos, Lexington Ave.

George's letter to Santa from when he was 5-years-old (X-mas 1972) and George's phone message to me Today March 30, 2012

Yesterday I posted a letter to Santa Claus from 1972 - but I made the mistake of not blurring out the address.  Here's the letter, with the address now properly blurred out.  It's a Gaussian Blur for all you Photoshop fiends out there.  Please click on the letter to see it bigger.

The letter was written by my very close friend and colleague, George Psillides - a true blue citizen and upholder of the Comic's Code.  This is the message I awoke to on my iPhone this morning.



Except for a few covert trips to Canada (George does occasional secret work for the government), George still lives at the same address as he did in 1972.  Due to this fact, he became enraged, because, according to him, top tier Identity Thieves are cruising the internet - specifically looking for people who wrote Christmas Lists in 1972 - especially those that asked Santa for a Flintstones Chip-Away.  These specialists don't check Google or The Phonebook or try to hack into the Visa mainframe.  They come here, to Frankie's Apartment, and look for really minor blog posts - any that might have an address - or the mention of Snoopy Toothbrushes - then these heinous fiends put the big con in motion.  It's no ordinary sting - it's not like they rack up a crazy Macy's bill on your Amex - the guys George is talking about literally TRANSFORM themselves into YOU (using magic AND science) and you just fade away, like Michael J. Fox almost did in that photograph from Back To The Future.  I'm not sure how they do it.  But George says they do it.  And they're bad.  And they've been looking to destroy his life for years.  "If only we knew his address," they say.  Now that I've blurred it out, they're probably really ticked off, saying things like, "Well, he may have outsmarted us again, but we'll get him next time!"

This is George in 1994 on a prank call.

This is George in the 80's, trying to be New Wave and cool with his Swatch.

This is George in 2009, relaxing in one of his many lavish bedrooms.

The saddest part of the whole story is that when I asked George what Santa got him from the list, he said NONE OF IT. All he remembers getting was some OTHER kind of toothbrush, one that was no where near as good as a Snoopy.

People in my Neighborhood: Me and Ronnie

On Flatbush, near Bargain Hunters

Achoo Fun Song

Simply, you can't front on the Achoo Fun Song.

Repost Video Wednesday

My Short film Stuff:



The Practice Film we shot before Stuff:



Sandwich:



Hunger Games:



Pencil Case:

Bad Egg

Queens Zoo: Poodle, Giraffe, Blue-Eyed Lion

Easter Marshmallow Cupcakes

I like how they're made of sugar and totally covered in sugar.  Also - they're WET

Grillz

Nail Fetish: The BEST Stick-On Nail Art Charms on the PLANET

Because My Hair Is Important To Me

Music For Rainy Days

And Reh Dogg performing "Why Must I Cry?"

Gummi X-Ray Fish

Cue Craft Pencil Caps

Found in a Greenpoint Drugstore

Bag Clip / Hair Clip

Found in a Kew Gardens jump-off everything store

Damsel in Distress

Right Before the Green Goblin Gives her A Test Tube Full of Goblin Potion

Big Looseleaf

From Carol School Supply on Union Turnpike, Manufactured in 1987

Walk Don't Walk

Jaw Busters!

The Original Jaw Breakers, according to them

The Horace Heath-O-Swim Nose Guard

Found in a decaying old drugstore off of Union Turnpike.

The Horace Heath-O-Swim Nose Guard

Frankie, doing his best Humpty Hump, under a french fry lamp for effect

Fire Monster

From the Opening Sequence of Spider-Man And His Amazing Friends

Fabric Swatches: Sudsy, Mr. Parfenix, and Frankie's Sneakers

For The Hunger Games

46-second video of people talking about how the casting for Finnick Odair (from the Hunger Games 2nd Book) better be good.

Absolutely Disgusting "Saved By The Bell" Background Images

I'm putting these up because the graphics are so gross, I want to share them - it's like trading Garbage Pail Kids. Also because I took the screencaps off of Netflix - and they're really terrible quality too. Netflix works like crap on computers. I think the fusion of the two terrible qualities makes the images even grosser and basically unbearable. Now if that's not artistic, well, then, I just suppose it's not.